O' Christmas Day

Had one of the best Christmas eve I've had in the past couple of years. Headed for midnight mass with @cforserious + Nina and her family at Cathedral of Good Shepard. Saw quite a few of familiar faces which included Mr. Armstrong and Mrs. Lee from school. It was a beautiful mass and it kind of got me into the Christmas spirit (Honestly, I wasn't feeling it all due to work) Homily by the archbishop was good too :-)

Headed for a round of drinks at Bobby's(or was it Harry's... I'm not too sure about that) at CHIJMES after that with Nina's family + @cforserious. Had a good, good Hoegaarden; all time favourite white beer. Managed to catch up with Nina for a bit. After Nina and her family left, chilled around with @cforserious for awhile more before we headed to T.G.I.F @ Heeren's for more drinks. @Kellovesboxing was working so waited for him to close the bar before heading to @JoanDeeJett's for breakfast. Only got home at 8am and it was hell during family lunch @Aunty Seline's due to the lack of sleep. 

Spent the evening of Christmas Day with @JoanDeeJett and @pussycircus before heading to T.G.I.F again to meet @kellovesboxing and @cforserious. Wasn't really in a good mood for some bloody reason but ah well, it was a good evening with good company nonetheless. 

Boxing Day was spent at Grand dad's having lunch. Had really good pastries, cakes and tea there. 

I've always adored going for family gathering on Christmas because first of all, I get to see everyone + there's always a lot of laughter and good vibes going around but this year's was a bit of a sad affair because slightly more than half of the family wasn't there. They were in Melbourne and joined Louisa's husband's family for Christmas. Ah well, there's New Year's gathering to look forward to so it's all good~

Had a gathering at @Celestineee's place. #soldiers had full attendance so it was hell fucking awesome. Had lots of fun with the rest too (i.e @meatrah, @cforserious, Shivy boy, Lance) Work was torture the next day though due to the lack of sleep from the festive weekend. It was worth it anyway.

Work has been pretty awesome so far and when I came in to work today, my manager and her sister(@DalianahAdrianna) gave me a book for Christmas!!!! By Hennings. Felt pretty bad though because I didn't get them anything. :/

Currently waiting for @cforserious at Serangoon for some karaoke with @JoanDeeJett

Have a good evening, you guys!

Even if we're miles apart

Hi,

This is just a post to remind you that no matter what happens, I'm always going to be right next to you wherever you are (even if we're miles away from each other)
I'll always be there for you to share your joys and sorrows, when you need someone to cuddle with, someone to have a good laugh with and someone to fall back on when you're feeling weak and vulnerable.


x

P/S: It's okay to be afraid

In a blink of an eye

(View of Geylang Bahru Bridge @ Kallang in the day.)
Exactly 16 more days left in 2011.

Time is really passing by super fast... In a blink of an eye, it's going to be January 2012, damn..

I've yet to do the things I said I would do before the year ends. This sucks. As much as I would like to believe that I'm a very busy kid, I know I'm just aimlessly wasting (most of) my days away by doing things like sleep all day, smoke/ eat/ lepak all day & night but(!!!!!!!!!!) I did do things which aren't so meaningless like doing the chores, apply for a job, spend time with loved ones + wonderful friends.

Yan is over at my place for the week... Back to how we used to crash at my old place for the whole of December in 2010. This is sweet despite the things we have to commit to individually.

Had one of the best nights in 2011 on the 13th. Had some really good Chicken Curry from Queensway while lepaking~ at Kallang River/Geylang Bahru Bridge with @cforserious at night then headed up to spend time with @Syafiqyesiam and @yanaindreas. We did so much catching up and it felt so good to be sitting around @syafiqyesiam's kitchen, munching on food, smoking & drinking milk. It was a good, good night.

Now, it's time for Yan & I to pig out in the kitchen~

x

Time of my life

A penny for my thoughts: I can't believe it's already freaking December. The last month of 2011!!!!! Woah, time really flies when Life is treating you good eh? (and not to mention: a lot of tough times)

The past weeks ever since Graduation Night has been filled with a lot of late nights, drinking, late night suppers, way too early breakfast, drinking and... more drinking. It's been crazy but I'm having a fantastic time.

On the 30th last month, celebrated @kellovesboxing 18th birthday. It was bloody awesome. Beyond awesome actually. Diana and I booked a premium room at Studio M Singapore and had a few friends over for some drinks and.... POTLUCK(!!!!!!!!!!!!) It was a damn chilled night with Truth or Dare, lame magic tricks, hilarious conversations and... a lot of snoring after 5am. Enjoyed myself throughly. Hope the birthday boy enjoyed himself too + it's rare for Diana to be planning something for her boyfriend, troll lol lol.

On the 3rd/ 4th December was the Standard Chartered Marathon so there was 24 hour MRT service!!!!!!! Good shit man. @kellovesboxing, @JoanDeeJett, @cforserious and I decided to make full use that. Lepak-ed at Suicide Bridge with @cforserious while the lovers went for a movie(Bloody Immortals -_-) and had breakfast at 5am. It was a good, good but fucking ass draining night.

There are still a lot of nonsensical + hilarious shit that I want to mention but... laziness is getting the better of me :P

Anyway, with all the fun that I've been having, I really hope for the best for the dearest mommy who isn't doing so well right now + Fiq's atok. May God's grace be with you two always to see you through this very tough period of time. Stay strong and safe in the hospital, mom. See you in the afternoon, I love you x

Another penny for my thoughts: It's fucking sucky to know that I'm only starting to treasure the people around me more with has happened/ been happening. I don't want to lose my mom, at least not for now. She's strong, she's always been a fighter so I'd hope she would stay stronger than ever and be a better fighter to at least be able to do the things she told me she wants to do when @JoanDeeJett & I visited her just now.

Graduation Night 2011

The crazy hectic week after O-levels has finally ended. Mixed emotions about it because after all the studying, discussions/ planning for Graduation Night(According to Becky: Prom without Boys) and all the rushing to get things done an hour before prom, it has all come to an end; officially our last 'school related event'.

I must say, I had more than just a blast at prom which was held at Marriott Singapore. Nothing much on the prom organized by the school but more of the thrill of seeing my juniors (Secondary 4 girls) and the Secondary 5 girls all dressed up, spending the night as one HUGE IJ Family. Some photos from prom:

Soldiers; My lovely ladies. Loving them forever & always
Look who came to crash#01. The lady who shot her zombie
Janelle! She loves meow meows too :-)
Claudia Yong!
Coolest photo taken during prom :P
Mighty Val's armpit photo :P

Kids at table 41
Meet my Ah Tan, Lynnette Tan Shi Ying :-B
Meet Zhi Ying, Track & Field Captain '10-'11
Meet the prom crasher #02. The girl who loves tea aka. MaroonMonday on Youtube! Catch her this Wednesday, 6pm at the open area outside 313's Marche
Melissa Rodrigues! Miss this girl so much.
Kiana and I with Ms. Champion. The teacher who saw me grow up since I entered the gates of IJ, hahahaha

Jasmine Alisa Lee
Rebecca Rose Morais
Janina Deocareza- Soria
Celestine Josephine Emmanuel
Our very own super star: Roobini Daley!!!!!!
Shirley Kusumo! Secondary 1/5's Chair person & Vice chair person
What's up, the cool kids from table 41 again
Beautiful ladies
Soldiers
2011 sitting partner, sup

CHILLI PADI!!!!! Deanne Tan Su-Ling. Amazing friend :-)

Christine Lee!!!! She's damn noisy, haha.

Next up... Photos from the after party of prom. We all went crazy but hey!!! It was our prom night and man, we had a blast.

Meet the Indians!!!!! Haha, #kidding. Meet Shiv!
I think this is a really cute photo of Celestine and me.


This is about it for prom. All I can say is that IJ is forever a part of me. I've never regretted putting 7001 as my first choice for Secondary School Posting. An IJ experience is priceless. And my girls, they're priceless + precious. I love 'em like how a fat boy loves cake.

xx

16mm

I was honestly planning on writing the night away on this blog but... the lack of sleep for the past month is already taking its toll on me tonight. It's also the end of O-levels for me so I should really just catch up on my sleep now but before that, here are some photos from the past week. Enjoy x

14th November 2011: Lepak~ at Becky's house w my ladies to let loose after a tough month of exams.

Nothing's ever going to replace the places they all hold in my life.

11th November: Managed to catch up with Jerri @ Republic Poly while supporting Shaz for her performance
Random lepak~ night @ Panjang with Diana and Kel. :-)

Lose your clothes & show your scars

Tomorrow is officially the start of all my O-levels written papers. I have so much running through my mind and it pretty much sucks because I feel as though my brain isn't really maximized to its fullest potential. Been doing math like crazy because it's undeniably my weakest subject. I'm determined to pass it, I have to man... Geez after all the effort I've been putting in, I better get at least the minimum pass!!!!!

I thought nothing would ever hurt me again but no, I was wrong. I thought all the hurt and emotional bullshit is all over and done with but... when I stumble upon something by accident, I could feel my heart up my throat and I could feel myself choking. Being someone's biggest regret and mistake is the most terrible thing to be on Earth. Bloody terrible especially when the girl's someone you have had the best times of your life with, hands down.

I felt the most comfortable in my own skin whenever I was with her. Our relationship was crazy. With every single thing that she did, I fell in love with her even more. I wasn't even looking for anyone to date when I met her, that's the best part of it all. It felt like it was fated for us to have had each other around. If I could go back in time, there's only one thing I would change. What happened on that fateful night. Just that night and I swear I'd be the happiest person alive for the rest of my life.

So when does you'll get over it begins?

Love is

"Love is:

Doubting each other, because you know that the other person is there to reassure you.

Fighting, passion needs to be in a relationship, people argue and make up, the fact they make up makes it all worthwhile."

I will be fine

Yesterday and today was one crazy ride of emotions. I had a lot of time to think things over and a lot of time for the words that she said to sink in. It still hurts to a certain degree thinking about what she said and knowing that she's completely over this relationship/ moved on to another dude but I guess what everyone around me have been trying to say is finally starting to take its effect on me.

I won't deny that it'd be hard to see her with that guy but what is done is done. We had our good times and we had our chance at love. Perhaps I wasn't the one for her and I wasn't the one that was able to give her hope but at least for me, this relationship has made me a better person. I'm still trying to be better but hey, that's something good taken out of the relationship. Minus all the petty fighting and shitty misery I put her through, I think it was good while it lasted. She may not see any good in the relationship but I did and that's good enough for now.

Ah fuck, just did something really stupid. I shouldn't have looked at the old activities we shared on Facebook and stuff. Memories are flooding back in my head but I will be fine. I'll get over this, I'm getting there. She may not have anything good to remember me by but I'll always think of her as the girl I met at *$. It's always better to remember someone in the good light than to be bitter about what they did/ say which hurt you right? I don't know but yeah, I'm sticking to that.

All along I thought the closure that I needed was something all sweet and lovely dovey but I realised sometimes it's better when the closure it's more amicable and monotone 'cause it only makes it easier for at least one party to move on. Knowing that she doesn't love me anymore kinda makes it easier to move on though it hurts like hell but hey.... the world's as fucked up as it is (to quote her)

Happy tenth monthsary to you. It doesn't mean anything to you anymore but it still holds memories for me. I wish nothing but the best for you.

October blues

This week started off on a pretty alright note. It's only Tuesday but I already feel like dying. I have so many mock papers to do for math, it's not even funny anymore. I have bloody 9 papers to finish but here I am, blogging. I need to blog to get things off my chest. By blogging, it's also my only hope that I'd be able to get my thoughts & feelings across to her if she still reads my blog.

Things have been so crazy and I'm starting to feel beyond despair. With her telling me that she likes someone and seeing her tweets, it was like someone dropped a fat boy on me every single waking moment. I don't know what else is there left for me to do to convince her to stay. She's lost all hopes and feelings for me. I'm finally starting to understand why do people actually feel really shitty after a break up. It's just too bad I've to experience this less than a month to the big O. It's hard to accept the fact that she has moved on, it's fucking hard but what else can I do?

After pouring my heart out to her, all she said to me was to change. I really am trying. Even after changing, I doubt it would bring her back to me because she seems to be liking that guy a lot & that guy seems to be crazy in love with her...

Even though I've already given up on us being a couple ever again, a part of me would always love her. After someone leaves you, all you have are memories. She may not love me or cherish what we had but this relationship meant a lot to me. More than anyone can ever understand. I may end up as a lonely old lady but I know what we had is enough to sustain things through for me. If she ever misses me one day and thinks that she might still love me, I hope she'd come back, as a friend.

All I'm left with is forever and always.

I love you. I've always loved you

Burning in the skies

October is proving to be a very difficult month for me. It's been barely a week and so many things has happened. September did not end on a very good note either besides a pretty wonderful graduation ceremony.

I don't know if I've done whatever I could to salvage my relationship with Bonnie but it seems like she's really bent on leaving this time round. I'm trying my best to understand that she has her own difficulties because of the way she feels right now and think of herself as. Even though it is hard to pull through with the whole no texting her/ being completely out of her life, I know I've to be strong about it because I've O-levels to give my all towards for the next month or two.

I can't even start on blaming her on what has happened because I'd rather think of this break up as my own fault. Nothing good ever stays with me. I've always believed in that, I don't know why though. They always say it's easier to blame the other party and move on but I however, don't believe in that. As much as I would like to believe that I'll be able to get through this and that this is for the better, deep down a part of me is still fighting for us to pull through together. As stupid and naive this may sound to people, I really do believe what Bonnie and I had going on was real. The shit we've been through together made us better people for ourselves and for each other. She may think that she can't give me an ideal future but she has already given me so much for me to know that we'd have a future together. It may not be an "ideal" future but it is a future together. I just wished I had given her more for her to believe in that but it's too late for regrets when she's already out the door.

With reference to LP's lyrics to Burning In The Skies: Don't apologize, I'm losing what I don't deserve; Maybe I don't deserve her after all... It's going to be hard to accept this and even harder to see her moving on to someone else but what can a loser like me do, haha. Even after saying all these, I'm still hoping and praying with all my might.

P/S don't remind me of how pathetic I sound, lol

Angels on the moon

A really quick post before I head to bed...

A penny for my thoughts: I've been thinking about the shitty things I did and said to the people around me like my parents/ friends/ the people I dated and it hit me so hard how disgusting and cruel I was to have done all those things. I feel so ashamed and gross out by myself thinking of what I did.

Like what they always say, what is done is done. All I'm hoping for is God's grace and forgiveness to help me be a better person for myself and for the ones I love. The guilt of things I did kills me every single time but all I can do is pray and repent.

I'm sorry God, I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm sorry to all those people I've been nasty towards. Please forgive me.

She's the one

This week seems to be heading in the correct direction... Which is bloody great! There's so much for me to catch up on in school now in terms of homework/ assignments because the pile of shit homework I have waiting for me is seriously no joke. It feels great being back in school but I find it pretty wasteful because I'm only looking forward to Bio/ Chem, English and Math lessons. These are the subjects that I still need to do revision with the teachers' help but other than these lessons, school is really dry and boring. I've never taken doing an English Comprehension seriously but now... with O-levels approaching fast, I shouldn't be complacent about that subject anymore because I really want to secure my A1 for it.

The week has also been good because I managed to meet Bonnie and also Jo on Tuesday! It was a good day because it's been long since I sat on Robertson Bridge to chill and I'm glad that I managed to do it with Bonnie because it's a really nice, charming place; with an exception of Friday, Saturday and PH nights because it's a mad house on those nights. Met Bonnie after school today too. Bought lunch back to her place and spent time with her.. Still smiling to myself when I think about it, haha.

Things have been so bloody crazy between Bonnie and I but I'm glad that we're making it through right now. She drives me insane in so many ways but at the end of the day, she's the only one my heart yearns for. She gives me mad cows in my stomach but I can never get sick of that feeling because every single day, I'm falling in love with her all over again. I'm not going to give up on her should anything happen between us again because she's still here with me even after all the hellish shit I put her through.

She's the one

Where do I go from here.... I feel as good as dead. I wish I could just remove the memory card in my head & insert a new one... But I can't. Someone teach me how to give up on this.

"I'll never leave you again"

Is it really time for me to let go? Is it only fair for me to let her go since I wasn't honest with her about how I felt yesterday? Is it only right that I let her go since she isn't happy being with me anymore?

There are so many fears and questions running through my head right now... I don't even know where to begin anymore. I bloody hell regretted not being honest with her when she asked me if I was upset but... I was just hoping for her to stop me from leaving her place but no, I fucking screwed everything up with what I did and said. Yan and Irah finally came to see me yesterday, for no bloody reason. Trashed things out, I felt better. Yan talked to me about moving on and stuff like that. I don't know how am I suppose to do that because I know I'll just keep looking for that Bonnie element in that person... And that sucks because I'll never be able to find another person like her.

"I like being in your arms, it's warm" -This right here made me felt so much love when she said it to me while we were watching tele... It still makes me smile when I play back scenes of us together in my head. I don't know when will I ever be able to get over this and get back on track with life... I just feel so weak and vulnerable. I can't focus, I can't eat and all I can do is smoke. I feel like such a loser. I honestly do. I should have just gone all out and made the best of things when I still had the chance too. I'm so afraid of living life without her... Knowing that she's stronger than I ever was and she's able to go on without us in her life.

Whatever it is, I know I'll always be waiting for her as painful as it is with her completely ignoring me and cutting me out from her life. But what else is there for me to do? I still feel as though there is unfinished business between us because I really do /am trying to make things better for us, for her. She's a gem... She really is but she doesn't believe anything I say anymore. I only have myself to blame for that and self pity to comfort myself with.

I love you, Bonnie. If you ever see this, please know that I'm always here waiting for you. To be safe in your arms again.

What gives me hope

It's 1:33am and I'm still not sleeping. Mainly because I can't sleep and also because I don't have to go to school for the next one week due to chickenpox. Thank God! But this one week only means I've to do a lot of self-studying at home. 43 more days to my next O-level paper and also the start to the rest of my other papers. I'm going to burn out on these days and stay focus on the game. I know I can. Need to push myself harder though because this past week has been miserable because I could barely do any studying due to the itching, pain, aches and fever :/ Terrible pox.

So anyway, I logged on to my formspring a few minutes ago and the question that is being administered by formspring today is: What makes you feel hopeful? Well, my answer there was something vague and here I go... going to talk about the things that makes me feel hopeful... yeah.

There are many things which makes me feel hopeful. First of all, it is the love my mom(step mom to be precise) has for the family. I'd admit at times I just feel like ripping her guts out for pissing me off but I can't deny that she has taught me a lot about the things I should know in Life. When my dad married her with Dulcie and I in tow, we were almost like non existent citizens with no health booklets etc. She was the one who brought my sister and I to get our vaccinations done, got our citizenship done, brought us to the clinic when we were ill, got my dad to stop drinking & smoking, calmed my dad's behavior and so much more. She didn't give up on my dad + this family even when things were so shitty and too hurtful for her to bear. Even when she said she has given up, she still remained hopeful that things would work out for her and my dad. She's more of a mother to me than my own mom who was never fucking there because all she cares about is her American life. All the things she's done and her love gives me tremendous hope because it tells me that the going is never easy for anyone but it is always important to have faith + love.

Secondly, the love that Bonnie has for our relationship gives me hope. As cliche as all these may sound, she is like my mom. As shitty and messed up I am, she hasn't given up on me and she's still willing to work at this with me.. Besides my parents, she's the only person who hasn't given up on me even after I put her through hell on Earth. Another about her that gives me hope is that she has changed me in so many ways that so many people tried to do so but failed. I thought I was a hopeless case, never going to mend my disgusting behavior but nope, she proved me wrong.

These 2 are the ladies of my life and I love 'em very much. Honestly don't know what I would do without 'em.

This one's for you Mom, love you
Another thing I love about 'em is that they both get along very well with each other, HEE :B

Pox

Having chicken pox is really no joke at all. There are ugly, monstrous blisters planted on my face and body. I was so upset by the condition of my pox but reading her texts while she tried to lighten my mood and make me feel better really helped.

I really hope that we would be able to work things out because I'm really trying my best to put my own emotions aside and work at this together with her. There really isn't anything I wouldn't do to make things right again. I still believe we are meant to be because no one holds on for as long as we did when things were so shitty.

I know we can have a better future together, still.

I still remember this text which she sent when I fell asleep on her:

"I fell in love with your courage, your sincerity, your flaming self- respect and it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged wild suspicions that you aren't how all you should be. I love you and it is the beginning of everything"
P/S: I love it when your face is so close to mine that I can feel your long eyelashes quivering against my skin, triggering a burst of velvet tenderness in my heart

Never going to leave this bed

No I'm not going to give up on us because our love is going to move mountains

Truth is, I can't stay out, I can never do that.

Honestly speaking: I feel like the biggest fucktard on Earth when she said I made her lose some of her friends and when she told me to preach my bullshit to someone else. It was like a thousand bullets coming at me at one go. It's time I let her go because after all that she said, I can't possibly put her through the same ordeal of being together with me. It hurts like crazy now but I'm glad she said everything that she did from hating me to warning me not to contact her 'cause if it makes her feel better to get it out of her system and move on, I'll know my limits and stay out.

May all your dreaming fill the empty sky

I keep making mistakes and I keep falling. I can't keep up with my mistakes neither could she do so. Things aren't going to be easy from now on wards but I'll get through with whatever I have left of you and I. Be it the only polaroid I have of you or living in the facade of our forever and always.

It'll always be my dream to do whatever we set out to do. Call me foolish but for the first time in my life, she was the only girl who made me want to be a better person.

Forever and always

As much as I feel that there isn't any hope for us anymore, I can't and I won't give up because this love has kept me going for the past year. It may not mean anything to you anymore and it may be pointless and just utter bullshit whatever I say to you but this heart, it beats for only you.

I'm not going to pester you or wallow myself in self pity. I believe our love is still stronger than ever to go through the harshest storm. I didn't walk my talk much the previous time you gave me a chance but trust me, I'm running my talk. I am changing. Just give me time to blossom in your eyes if you may.

When I said forever and always, I meant forever and always + a day.

Now and then

You light up my world with the fire of your love which burns so bright

Now the fire is slowly diminishing and the place where our love used to house is starting to get darker and darker as I'm begging you not to put out the light

'Cause I'd rather just be alone if I know that I can't have you

Skinny Love

Have you ever felt so helpless because you know what you are suppose to do and you are doing it but you just end up losing your cool about it at the end of the day.

Don't you hate it when your own insecurity ruins the very existence of your relationship and the best part is that you know she loves you so much and she gave you her all but you just had to be so blind about it from the start and you end up letting your insecurity kill her emotionally and the relationship.

There are so many things I wished I've done differently and if I could, I would take everything I said that hurt her back but I can't and I know I'll never be able to go back into her arms, ever again. I don't know what the fuck is up with me.... I know what is it that I should do and what I need to do but I ALWAYS end up messing things up again. I was determined (still am though..) to make this work because believe it or not, she's the one. I'm not even kidding. Laugh at me for all I can care but she is the one for me.

"You messed up so you pay for the price of messing up and dream on about her going back to you" A friend said this to me. It was a hard and fucking painful knock but it's true. I have to pay the price for messing up all the time and for making her cry all the time to the extent that she feels like she's being driven off the edge.

They say that if you love someone, you'd let them go if they're unhappy... So I am leaving her alone so that she can go find genuine happiness and find someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the time. This is hard but I have to do this.

I'll still go ahead with AMP and all that because it was a promise I made to her and that's the least I could do to make it up to her in return for all that she's done for our relationship. It's going to be hard going through this without her by my side but all the memories we made, good and bad ones will keep me going because what we had was real.

All I know is that I'm in love with someone who loves me

Oh when the sunshine beckons to ya and your wings begin to unfold;
The thoughts you bring and the songs you sing are gonna keep me from the cold

And if the sword is among ya and it’s words may wound my soul
You can fill me up with what you’ve got 'cause my heart’s been keeping old


She is love and her ways are high and steep
She is love and I believe her when she speaks.
Love and her ways are high and steep
She is love and I believe, I do believe her when she speaks.

You’re in all my thoughts of passion and the dreams of my delight
Whatever stirs my mortal frame, will you keep it warm at night

I don’t know where you come from; No I haven’t got a clue
All I know is I’m in love with someone who loves me too.

Forever and Always

Go ahead; hate me, be mad at me, push me away. Whatever it is, I'll always love you and I won't ever leave you when you need me.

You're the only one who can save me

This is really too much for me to bear. I just want to sleep everything off and wake up feeling better but I can't. I can't sleep because my mind is bloody active with so much thoughts and regrets running through it.

You may think I don't feel the slightest of pain in this matter but I do. A whole lot of it.

What am I suppose to do now?

Dear close friend,

Your birthday is coming up in less than 15 minutes but I don't know whether I should even drop you a text or a Facebook wall post to wish you.

I can't believe after all the shit we've been through and the friendship we built over the years, you just conveniently exit-ed from my life when you know things are going through a rough patch for me.

Call yourself a friend.. Happy fucking birthday to you

She deserves someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the time

I screwed up a lot while we were together and up till now, even when we aren't exactly an item, I'm still screwing up a lot, making her cry so much and making things so difficult for her. She deserves better than me and my never ending list of issues. She deserves someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the fucking time.

I want to be that person.. But I just don't know how.

A quick one before I head to bed:

No one has ever made me feel this happy, ever. Thank you sticking with me despite all the shit we've been through and all the shit that we're going through right now and the shit that we will go through in the future.

Thank you God, for everything that I've received in the past week. Thank you for all your blessings. x

She's a keeper

The week has been pretty... whack so far. So much has been happening and boy, do I feel like my life is just too full of shit to be true. A quick one about what has been boiling under the kettle this week:

• Shit happened at home
• Prelim SPA: Unlucky because my mo flow came while I was doing the papers... Uhm yeah
• Screwed up my account papers... What's new. I can never get formats right
• Mother Tongue O-level results: C6 & merit for orals. 'nough said
• Career seminar: Was really happy I managed to clear my doubts about the path I should take in order to pursue a career in law in Singapore. Big thanks to the IJ Alumni girls who came back to give us the talks. :-)
• Had a really good lunch with J.A.L & Lynnette. Never had lunch like this in such a long time. Hugs and kisses for y'all.

On a lighter, lighter note: I just want everyone who reads this blog to know how amazing this girl is. With everything that has happened and how things are going for us now... It feels as though we're falling in love all over again. I'm falling in love with her all over again; everyday. As quoted from Valentine's Day: This girl is like sunshine. With her, everything is better.

That is very true and relevant when it comes to this girl because she really does make everything better for me. She is right when she said that we underestimated our love for each other.. It's true because we really did.. I underestimated her love for me and I underestimated my love for her. She's a keeper and I'm planning on keeping her for as long as I can.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have showered upon me and the people around me today. Thank you for slowly showing me the importance of prayers and the importance of how staying strong and positive will get me through in the long run.

Thank you for the faith you have renewed in me x

I shouldn't have let how insecure I was feeling get in the way of how things were. I should have just been grateful that she was "contacting" me through e-mail.

Even though things are really over between us now, I'm still going to continue seeking help. I want to and have to get better. I just hope that maybe she'd come back to me one day even though it's as good as wishing for wings to fly.

It isn't nice reading what someone has to say about me like that. It feels like shit. It just adds on to the amount of shittyness I feel and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore

After how I hurt her, it must have been easy to just completely cut me off just like that. I don't expect her to believe my explanation. After what I did to her, everything positive she has thought about me must have died

I just read something and my heart just drop beneath the Earth's crust (You get my point...)

It seems like she's starting to have doubts about things changing for the better and more importantly me changing. I can't say much about it because I've yet to start on the professional help I need due to all the public holidays and shit. I can't say much about it too because I did hurt her after all and she does have the right to move on and jump start her life again.

She does have a whole life ahead of her and she deserves so much better than me + my issues. I guess no matter how much I change in the course of receiving help, it doesn't change the fact that she was hurt badly by me and I did destroy a part of her life.

I don't even know why am I saying all of these when selfish me hopes for her to wait for me to get better. I love her too much to possibly just give up like this.. I believe something as miraculous as her waiting for me to get better could happen. But the skeptic in me... Fuck this

sigh

If you're upset because of what I tweeted about mind fucking thoughts, you should know my intentions weren't what you think they are. There's no one I love as much as I love you. This is cliche but it is the honest truth. If what you think is true, I wouldn't even think twice about getting help.

That I promise you.

Sorry for the constant posting on my page but hey... It's my blog, a place where I can talk all I want and it is probably my only hope of being able to get my thoughts across to someone who needs to know 'em. If you get what I mean.

Haven't been talking to people much these 2 days... I feel as though I do not wish to talk to anyone in fear of losing myself again. It's not that I'm deliberately avoiding those who care (or at least I like to think they do) but I just need some time on my own. Just like what someone said to me, I should focus on getting better first before bothering about other things.

My first step in seeking treatment begins this Friday before my Biology paper. I'm scared shitless because I don't know if I'm able to talk with explicit details while explaining things to someone I barely know. But hey, you got to do what you got to do stay alive man

Prior to my previous post: I shouldn't be selfish and hope for her to wait for me right?

Prior to my previous, previous post: I already said she deserves genuine happiness and I hope for her to move on from this so I should just pray for her to be able to eliminate the fear right? Instead of hoping for something which is near impossible

Sorry, chicken rendang mom cooked for dinner is getting me head all mixed up

I didn't make good of my words to her when things were still within my control but I promise, I will this time round. I will get help and I will change.

I hope her love for me is strong enough for her to wait for me and eliminate the fear I inflicted in her.

It's 2:09am and I still can't sleep.

The guilt I feel is really beyond me and beyond comprehension. I have to make good of my words to _'s mom because if she didn't actually cut a deal with me, I'd be facing juvenile charges. _'s mom mentioned something along the lines of how when I liked her, I could control my anger. I'm sorry but she stands corrected because I love her which is why I controlled my anger. I know what I did wasn't something of a small matter but that violent outbreak happened because... for reasons I've yet to figure out myself. I really won't know till I start receiving help.

I'm keeping my distance too because I love her and she has every right to forget me and move on from this. She has to, she deserves some proper happiness. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty from saying all these but these are my genuine thoughts as much as I want her to wait for me to get better.

Story of my life

Be the change you want to see

I still can't believe what I did last night. It feels as though whatever happened last night involving me wasn't me. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I've never been like that before and I've never imagined myself getting so violent.

Had a phone conversation with Dulcie even though she was suppose to be out having fun with her friends. I've never had such a heartfelt conversation with my sister before. It was heartbreaking hearing the disappointment in her voice. It hit me x100, 000, 000 more knowing that it was because of what I did which made her so upset and disappointed.

Hearing what _'s mom had to say was equally heartbreaking too. How did I ended up doing what I did. Why did I acted on such an impulse. How did I even get the strength and cruelty to do such a beastly act. It was as though I was almost inhumane.

It felt terrible hearing what Dulcie had to say & what _'s mom had to say. It still feels terrible. This guilt can never be erased from the depths of my memory and conscience.

Dulcie told me to take care of myself before I can do anything else. Yeah, I should take care of myself before I can do anything else. I know what I should do first and it's going to be hard but I have to do this before I actually turn into a monster permanently. It's hard for me to talk to someone I barely know about this whole episode but I need to know what lead to this violent outbreak. I have to do this and I will do it. I can't afford to hurt anyone else whom I love, you know?

To you: There's a chance you might not see this but there's always a chance you might so I'm hoping you will. My apology is worth nothing because of what I put/ I'm putting you through. I'm not seeking for forgiveness from you. What I did was good enough to destroy's someone emotionally. I shouldn't have let that moment of fury controlled me. No amount of explanation can account for what I did. I just hope that you'll be able to forget about me, what I did and move on with your life. I'll make good of my words to keep away from you.

What I'm going to say next is full of irony but I'm going to say it anyway. I'll pray for you to get over this 'cause you don't deserve the pain I inflicted on you. I deserve hell for this doing to you especially after knowing you well enough to know that you're emotionally vulnerable. Sorry I suck so bad.

Whatever it is, I'll get help in order to get to the bottom of my own issues. I will get better and maybe just maybe, we'd have another chance at love again as bloody impossible as it sounds.

x

Day 1

Time check: 6:53am

I hope I get over this as quickly as I fell for you. The pain is too much to bear. I should have done something when you wanted to leave. I should have done something when I very well knew you are my whole life. I should have stop you from slipping away instead of wallowing in my own pain. I should have just told you what was wrong. Then maybe, all these wouldn't have happened.

Life's full of regrets isn't it? Tell me about it

HI JUNE!

28th May 2011: Headed to Queensway & IKEA to eat with babe. Met Elly & Anas after that at Northpoint to lepak for awhile. Sorry for the lousy photo quality. Taken with my fucking retarded mobile camera.





30th May 2011: Stay over @ Becky's fake house aka penthouse w the girls + David and Shiv. Had 3 bottles of leftover booze. Got to spend the night with my baby + my precious girls.
Hi sweetheart^, I'll always love you despite all the fights we went through. Though our fights tend to get so fucking intense and we hurt each other like crazy bitches, my love for you will never lessen. I love you so much elephant. Hehe x