Angels on the moon

A really quick post before I head to bed...

A penny for my thoughts: I've been thinking about the shitty things I did and said to the people around me like my parents/ friends/ the people I dated and it hit me so hard how disgusting and cruel I was to have done all those things. I feel so ashamed and gross out by myself thinking of what I did.

Like what they always say, what is done is done. All I'm hoping for is God's grace and forgiveness to help me be a better person for myself and for the ones I love. The guilt of things I did kills me every single time but all I can do is pray and repent.

I'm sorry God, I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm sorry to all those people I've been nasty towards. Please forgive me.

She's the one

This week seems to be heading in the correct direction... Which is bloody great! There's so much for me to catch up on in school now in terms of homework/ assignments because the pile of shit homework I have waiting for me is seriously no joke. It feels great being back in school but I find it pretty wasteful because I'm only looking forward to Bio/ Chem, English and Math lessons. These are the subjects that I still need to do revision with the teachers' help but other than these lessons, school is really dry and boring. I've never taken doing an English Comprehension seriously but now... with O-levels approaching fast, I shouldn't be complacent about that subject anymore because I really want to secure my A1 for it.

The week has also been good because I managed to meet Bonnie and also Jo on Tuesday! It was a good day because it's been long since I sat on Robertson Bridge to chill and I'm glad that I managed to do it with Bonnie because it's a really nice, charming place; with an exception of Friday, Saturday and PH nights because it's a mad house on those nights. Met Bonnie after school today too. Bought lunch back to her place and spent time with her.. Still smiling to myself when I think about it, haha.

Things have been so bloody crazy between Bonnie and I but I'm glad that we're making it through right now. She drives me insane in so many ways but at the end of the day, she's the only one my heart yearns for. She gives me mad cows in my stomach but I can never get sick of that feeling because every single day, I'm falling in love with her all over again. I'm not going to give up on her should anything happen between us again because she's still here with me even after all the hellish shit I put her through.

She's the one

Where do I go from here.... I feel as good as dead. I wish I could just remove the memory card in my head & insert a new one... But I can't. Someone teach me how to give up on this.

"I'll never leave you again"

Is it really time for me to let go? Is it only fair for me to let her go since I wasn't honest with her about how I felt yesterday? Is it only right that I let her go since she isn't happy being with me anymore?

There are so many fears and questions running through my head right now... I don't even know where to begin anymore. I bloody hell regretted not being honest with her when she asked me if I was upset but... I was just hoping for her to stop me from leaving her place but no, I fucking screwed everything up with what I did and said. Yan and Irah finally came to see me yesterday, for no bloody reason. Trashed things out, I felt better. Yan talked to me about moving on and stuff like that. I don't know how am I suppose to do that because I know I'll just keep looking for that Bonnie element in that person... And that sucks because I'll never be able to find another person like her.

"I like being in your arms, it's warm" -This right here made me felt so much love when she said it to me while we were watching tele... It still makes me smile when I play back scenes of us together in my head. I don't know when will I ever be able to get over this and get back on track with life... I just feel so weak and vulnerable. I can't focus, I can't eat and all I can do is smoke. I feel like such a loser. I honestly do. I should have just gone all out and made the best of things when I still had the chance too. I'm so afraid of living life without her... Knowing that she's stronger than I ever was and she's able to go on without us in her life.

Whatever it is, I know I'll always be waiting for her as painful as it is with her completely ignoring me and cutting me out from her life. But what else is there for me to do? I still feel as though there is unfinished business between us because I really do /am trying to make things better for us, for her. She's a gem... She really is but she doesn't believe anything I say anymore. I only have myself to blame for that and self pity to comfort myself with.

I love you, Bonnie. If you ever see this, please know that I'm always here waiting for you. To be safe in your arms again.

What gives me hope

It's 1:33am and I'm still not sleeping. Mainly because I can't sleep and also because I don't have to go to school for the next one week due to chickenpox. Thank God! But this one week only means I've to do a lot of self-studying at home. 43 more days to my next O-level paper and also the start to the rest of my other papers. I'm going to burn out on these days and stay focus on the game. I know I can. Need to push myself harder though because this past week has been miserable because I could barely do any studying due to the itching, pain, aches and fever :/ Terrible pox.

So anyway, I logged on to my formspring a few minutes ago and the question that is being administered by formspring today is: What makes you feel hopeful? Well, my answer there was something vague and here I go... going to talk about the things that makes me feel hopeful... yeah.

There are many things which makes me feel hopeful. First of all, it is the love my mom(step mom to be precise) has for the family. I'd admit at times I just feel like ripping her guts out for pissing me off but I can't deny that she has taught me a lot about the things I should know in Life. When my dad married her with Dulcie and I in tow, we were almost like non existent citizens with no health booklets etc. She was the one who brought my sister and I to get our vaccinations done, got our citizenship done, brought us to the clinic when we were ill, got my dad to stop drinking & smoking, calmed my dad's behavior and so much more. She didn't give up on my dad + this family even when things were so shitty and too hurtful for her to bear. Even when she said she has given up, she still remained hopeful that things would work out for her and my dad. She's more of a mother to me than my own mom who was never fucking there because all she cares about is her American life. All the things she's done and her love gives me tremendous hope because it tells me that the going is never easy for anyone but it is always important to have faith + love.

Secondly, the love that Bonnie has for our relationship gives me hope. As cliche as all these may sound, she is like my mom. As shitty and messed up I am, she hasn't given up on me and she's still willing to work at this with me.. Besides my parents, she's the only person who hasn't given up on me even after I put her through hell on Earth. Another about her that gives me hope is that she has changed me in so many ways that so many people tried to do so but failed. I thought I was a hopeless case, never going to mend my disgusting behavior but nope, she proved me wrong.

These 2 are the ladies of my life and I love 'em very much. Honestly don't know what I would do without 'em.

This one's for you Mom, love you
Another thing I love about 'em is that they both get along very well with each other, HEE :B

Pox

Having chicken pox is really no joke at all. There are ugly, monstrous blisters planted on my face and body. I was so upset by the condition of my pox but reading her texts while she tried to lighten my mood and make me feel better really helped.

I really hope that we would be able to work things out because I'm really trying my best to put my own emotions aside and work at this together with her. There really isn't anything I wouldn't do to make things right again. I still believe we are meant to be because no one holds on for as long as we did when things were so shitty.

I know we can have a better future together, still.

I still remember this text which she sent when I fell asleep on her:

"I fell in love with your courage, your sincerity, your flaming self- respect and it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged wild suspicions that you aren't how all you should be. I love you and it is the beginning of everything"
P/S: I love it when your face is so close to mine that I can feel your long eyelashes quivering against my skin, triggering a burst of velvet tenderness in my heart

Never going to leave this bed

No I'm not going to give up on us because our love is going to move mountains

Truth is, I can't stay out, I can never do that.

Honestly speaking: I feel like the biggest fucktard on Earth when she said I made her lose some of her friends and when she told me to preach my bullshit to someone else. It was like a thousand bullets coming at me at one go. It's time I let her go because after all that she said, I can't possibly put her through the same ordeal of being together with me. It hurts like crazy now but I'm glad she said everything that she did from hating me to warning me not to contact her 'cause if it makes her feel better to get it out of her system and move on, I'll know my limits and stay out.

May all your dreaming fill the empty sky

I keep making mistakes and I keep falling. I can't keep up with my mistakes neither could she do so. Things aren't going to be easy from now on wards but I'll get through with whatever I have left of you and I. Be it the only polaroid I have of you or living in the facade of our forever and always.

It'll always be my dream to do whatever we set out to do. Call me foolish but for the first time in my life, she was the only girl who made me want to be a better person.

Forever and always

As much as I feel that there isn't any hope for us anymore, I can't and I won't give up because this love has kept me going for the past year. It may not mean anything to you anymore and it may be pointless and just utter bullshit whatever I say to you but this heart, it beats for only you.

I'm not going to pester you or wallow myself in self pity. I believe our love is still stronger than ever to go through the harshest storm. I didn't walk my talk much the previous time you gave me a chance but trust me, I'm running my talk. I am changing. Just give me time to blossom in your eyes if you may.

When I said forever and always, I meant forever and always + a day.

Now and then

You light up my world with the fire of your love which burns so bright

Now the fire is slowly diminishing and the place where our love used to house is starting to get darker and darker as I'm begging you not to put out the light

'Cause I'd rather just be alone if I know that I can't have you