Lose your clothes & show your scars

Tomorrow is officially the start of all my O-levels written papers. I have so much running through my mind and it pretty much sucks because I feel as though my brain isn't really maximized to its fullest potential. Been doing math like crazy because it's undeniably my weakest subject. I'm determined to pass it, I have to man... Geez after all the effort I've been putting in, I better get at least the minimum pass!!!!!

I thought nothing would ever hurt me again but no, I was wrong. I thought all the hurt and emotional bullshit is all over and done with but... when I stumble upon something by accident, I could feel my heart up my throat and I could feel myself choking. Being someone's biggest regret and mistake is the most terrible thing to be on Earth. Bloody terrible especially when the girl's someone you have had the best times of your life with, hands down.

I felt the most comfortable in my own skin whenever I was with her. Our relationship was crazy. With every single thing that she did, I fell in love with her even more. I wasn't even looking for anyone to date when I met her, that's the best part of it all. It felt like it was fated for us to have had each other around. If I could go back in time, there's only one thing I would change. What happened on that fateful night. Just that night and I swear I'd be the happiest person alive for the rest of my life.

So when does you'll get over it begins?

Love is

"Love is:

Doubting each other, because you know that the other person is there to reassure you.

Fighting, passion needs to be in a relationship, people argue and make up, the fact they make up makes it all worthwhile."

I will be fine

Yesterday and today was one crazy ride of emotions. I had a lot of time to think things over and a lot of time for the words that she said to sink in. It still hurts to a certain degree thinking about what she said and knowing that she's completely over this relationship/ moved on to another dude but I guess what everyone around me have been trying to say is finally starting to take its effect on me.

I won't deny that it'd be hard to see her with that guy but what is done is done. We had our good times and we had our chance at love. Perhaps I wasn't the one for her and I wasn't the one that was able to give her hope but at least for me, this relationship has made me a better person. I'm still trying to be better but hey, that's something good taken out of the relationship. Minus all the petty fighting and shitty misery I put her through, I think it was good while it lasted. She may not see any good in the relationship but I did and that's good enough for now.

Ah fuck, just did something really stupid. I shouldn't have looked at the old activities we shared on Facebook and stuff. Memories are flooding back in my head but I will be fine. I'll get over this, I'm getting there. She may not have anything good to remember me by but I'll always think of her as the girl I met at *$. It's always better to remember someone in the good light than to be bitter about what they did/ say which hurt you right? I don't know but yeah, I'm sticking to that.

All along I thought the closure that I needed was something all sweet and lovely dovey but I realised sometimes it's better when the closure it's more amicable and monotone 'cause it only makes it easier for at least one party to move on. Knowing that she doesn't love me anymore kinda makes it easier to move on though it hurts like hell but hey.... the world's as fucked up as it is (to quote her)

Happy tenth monthsary to you. It doesn't mean anything to you anymore but it still holds memories for me. I wish nothing but the best for you.

October blues

This week started off on a pretty alright note. It's only Tuesday but I already feel like dying. I have so many mock papers to do for math, it's not even funny anymore. I have bloody 9 papers to finish but here I am, blogging. I need to blog to get things off my chest. By blogging, it's also my only hope that I'd be able to get my thoughts & feelings across to her if she still reads my blog.

Things have been so crazy and I'm starting to feel beyond despair. With her telling me that she likes someone and seeing her tweets, it was like someone dropped a fat boy on me every single waking moment. I don't know what else is there left for me to do to convince her to stay. She's lost all hopes and feelings for me. I'm finally starting to understand why do people actually feel really shitty after a break up. It's just too bad I've to experience this less than a month to the big O. It's hard to accept the fact that she has moved on, it's fucking hard but what else can I do?

After pouring my heart out to her, all she said to me was to change. I really am trying. Even after changing, I doubt it would bring her back to me because she seems to be liking that guy a lot & that guy seems to be crazy in love with her...

Even though I've already given up on us being a couple ever again, a part of me would always love her. After someone leaves you, all you have are memories. She may not love me or cherish what we had but this relationship meant a lot to me. More than anyone can ever understand. I may end up as a lonely old lady but I know what we had is enough to sustain things through for me. If she ever misses me one day and thinks that she might still love me, I hope she'd come back, as a friend.

All I'm left with is forever and always.

I love you. I've always loved you

Burning in the skies

October is proving to be a very difficult month for me. It's been barely a week and so many things has happened. September did not end on a very good note either besides a pretty wonderful graduation ceremony.

I don't know if I've done whatever I could to salvage my relationship with Bonnie but it seems like she's really bent on leaving this time round. I'm trying my best to understand that she has her own difficulties because of the way she feels right now and think of herself as. Even though it is hard to pull through with the whole no texting her/ being completely out of her life, I know I've to be strong about it because I've O-levels to give my all towards for the next month or two.

I can't even start on blaming her on what has happened because I'd rather think of this break up as my own fault. Nothing good ever stays with me. I've always believed in that, I don't know why though. They always say it's easier to blame the other party and move on but I however, don't believe in that. As much as I would like to believe that I'll be able to get through this and that this is for the better, deep down a part of me is still fighting for us to pull through together. As stupid and naive this may sound to people, I really do believe what Bonnie and I had going on was real. The shit we've been through together made us better people for ourselves and for each other. She may think that she can't give me an ideal future but she has already given me so much for me to know that we'd have a future together. It may not be an "ideal" future but it is a future together. I just wished I had given her more for her to believe in that but it's too late for regrets when she's already out the door.

With reference to LP's lyrics to Burning In The Skies: Don't apologize, I'm losing what I don't deserve; Maybe I don't deserve her after all... It's going to be hard to accept this and even harder to see her moving on to someone else but what can a loser like me do, haha. Even after saying all these, I'm still hoping and praying with all my might.

P/S don't remind me of how pathetic I sound, lol