Be the change you want to see

I still can't believe what I did last night. It feels as though whatever happened last night involving me wasn't me. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I've never been like that before and I've never imagined myself getting so violent.

Had a phone conversation with Dulcie even though she was suppose to be out having fun with her friends. I've never had such a heartfelt conversation with my sister before. It was heartbreaking hearing the disappointment in her voice. It hit me x100, 000, 000 more knowing that it was because of what I did which made her so upset and disappointed.

Hearing what _'s mom had to say was equally heartbreaking too. How did I ended up doing what I did. Why did I acted on such an impulse. How did I even get the strength and cruelty to do such a beastly act. It was as though I was almost inhumane.

It felt terrible hearing what Dulcie had to say & what _'s mom had to say. It still feels terrible. This guilt can never be erased from the depths of my memory and conscience.

Dulcie told me to take care of myself before I can do anything else. Yeah, I should take care of myself before I can do anything else. I know what I should do first and it's going to be hard but I have to do this before I actually turn into a monster permanently. It's hard for me to talk to someone I barely know about this whole episode but I need to know what lead to this violent outbreak. I have to do this and I will do it. I can't afford to hurt anyone else whom I love, you know?

To you: There's a chance you might not see this but there's always a chance you might so I'm hoping you will. My apology is worth nothing because of what I put/ I'm putting you through. I'm not seeking for forgiveness from you. What I did was good enough to destroy's someone emotionally. I shouldn't have let that moment of fury controlled me. No amount of explanation can account for what I did. I just hope that you'll be able to forget about me, what I did and move on with your life. I'll make good of my words to keep away from you.

What I'm going to say next is full of irony but I'm going to say it anyway. I'll pray for you to get over this 'cause you don't deserve the pain I inflicted on you. I deserve hell for this doing to you especially after knowing you well enough to know that you're emotionally vulnerable. Sorry I suck so bad.

Whatever it is, I'll get help in order to get to the bottom of my own issues. I will get better and maybe just maybe, we'd have another chance at love again as bloody impossible as it sounds.

x