Skinny Love

Have you ever felt so helpless because you know what you are suppose to do and you are doing it but you just end up losing your cool about it at the end of the day.

Don't you hate it when your own insecurity ruins the very existence of your relationship and the best part is that you know she loves you so much and she gave you her all but you just had to be so blind about it from the start and you end up letting your insecurity kill her emotionally and the relationship.

There are so many things I wished I've done differently and if I could, I would take everything I said that hurt her back but I can't and I know I'll never be able to go back into her arms, ever again. I don't know what the fuck is up with me.... I know what is it that I should do and what I need to do but I ALWAYS end up messing things up again. I was determined (still am though..) to make this work because believe it or not, she's the one. I'm not even kidding. Laugh at me for all I can care but she is the one for me.

"You messed up so you pay for the price of messing up and dream on about her going back to you" A friend said this to me. It was a hard and fucking painful knock but it's true. I have to pay the price for messing up all the time and for making her cry all the time to the extent that she feels like she's being driven off the edge.

They say that if you love someone, you'd let them go if they're unhappy... So I am leaving her alone so that she can go find genuine happiness and find someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the time. This is hard but I have to do this.

I'll still go ahead with AMP and all that because it was a promise I made to her and that's the least I could do to make it up to her in return for all that she's done for our relationship. It's going to be hard going through this without her by my side but all the memories we made, good and bad ones will keep me going because what we had was real.

All I know is that I'm in love with someone who loves me

Oh when the sunshine beckons to ya and your wings begin to unfold;
The thoughts you bring and the songs you sing are gonna keep me from the cold

And if the sword is among ya and it’s words may wound my soul
You can fill me up with what you’ve got 'cause my heart’s been keeping old


She is love and her ways are high and steep
She is love and I believe her when she speaks.
Love and her ways are high and steep
She is love and I believe, I do believe her when she speaks.

You’re in all my thoughts of passion and the dreams of my delight
Whatever stirs my mortal frame, will you keep it warm at night

I don’t know where you come from; No I haven’t got a clue
All I know is I’m in love with someone who loves me too.

Forever and Always

Go ahead; hate me, be mad at me, push me away. Whatever it is, I'll always love you and I won't ever leave you when you need me.

You're the only one who can save me

This is really too much for me to bear. I just want to sleep everything off and wake up feeling better but I can't. I can't sleep because my mind is bloody active with so much thoughts and regrets running through it.

You may think I don't feel the slightest of pain in this matter but I do. A whole lot of it.

What am I suppose to do now?

Dear close friend,

Your birthday is coming up in less than 15 minutes but I don't know whether I should even drop you a text or a Facebook wall post to wish you.

I can't believe after all the shit we've been through and the friendship we built over the years, you just conveniently exit-ed from my life when you know things are going through a rough patch for me.

Call yourself a friend.. Happy fucking birthday to you

She deserves someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the time

I screwed up a lot while we were together and up till now, even when we aren't exactly an item, I'm still screwing up a lot, making her cry so much and making things so difficult for her. She deserves better than me and my never ending list of issues. She deserves someone who doesn't make her want to cry all the fucking time.

I want to be that person.. But I just don't know how.

A quick one before I head to bed:

No one has ever made me feel this happy, ever. Thank you sticking with me despite all the shit we've been through and all the shit that we're going through right now and the shit that we will go through in the future.

Thank you God, for everything that I've received in the past week. Thank you for all your blessings. x

She's a keeper

The week has been pretty... whack so far. So much has been happening and boy, do I feel like my life is just too full of shit to be true. A quick one about what has been boiling under the kettle this week:

• Shit happened at home
• Prelim SPA: Unlucky because my mo flow came while I was doing the papers... Uhm yeah
• Screwed up my account papers... What's new. I can never get formats right
• Mother Tongue O-level results: C6 & merit for orals. 'nough said
• Career seminar: Was really happy I managed to clear my doubts about the path I should take in order to pursue a career in law in Singapore. Big thanks to the IJ Alumni girls who came back to give us the talks. :-)
• Had a really good lunch with J.A.L & Lynnette. Never had lunch like this in such a long time. Hugs and kisses for y'all.

On a lighter, lighter note: I just want everyone who reads this blog to know how amazing this girl is. With everything that has happened and how things are going for us now... It feels as though we're falling in love all over again. I'm falling in love with her all over again; everyday. As quoted from Valentine's Day: This girl is like sunshine. With her, everything is better.

That is very true and relevant when it comes to this girl because she really does make everything better for me. She is right when she said that we underestimated our love for each other.. It's true because we really did.. I underestimated her love for me and I underestimated my love for her. She's a keeper and I'm planning on keeping her for as long as I can.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have showered upon me and the people around me today. Thank you for slowly showing me the importance of prayers and the importance of how staying strong and positive will get me through in the long run.

Thank you for the faith you have renewed in me x

I shouldn't have let how insecure I was feeling get in the way of how things were. I should have just been grateful that she was "contacting" me through e-mail.

Even though things are really over between us now, I'm still going to continue seeking help. I want to and have to get better. I just hope that maybe she'd come back to me one day even though it's as good as wishing for wings to fly.

It isn't nice reading what someone has to say about me like that. It feels like shit. It just adds on to the amount of shittyness I feel and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore

After how I hurt her, it must have been easy to just completely cut me off just like that. I don't expect her to believe my explanation. After what I did to her, everything positive she has thought about me must have died

I just read something and my heart just drop beneath the Earth's crust (You get my point...)

It seems like she's starting to have doubts about things changing for the better and more importantly me changing. I can't say much about it because I've yet to start on the professional help I need due to all the public holidays and shit. I can't say much about it too because I did hurt her after all and she does have the right to move on and jump start her life again.

She does have a whole life ahead of her and she deserves so much better than me + my issues. I guess no matter how much I change in the course of receiving help, it doesn't change the fact that she was hurt badly by me and I did destroy a part of her life.

I don't even know why am I saying all of these when selfish me hopes for her to wait for me to get better. I love her too much to possibly just give up like this.. I believe something as miraculous as her waiting for me to get better could happen. But the skeptic in me... Fuck this

sigh

If you're upset because of what I tweeted about mind fucking thoughts, you should know my intentions weren't what you think they are. There's no one I love as much as I love you. This is cliche but it is the honest truth. If what you think is true, I wouldn't even think twice about getting help.

That I promise you.

Sorry for the constant posting on my page but hey... It's my blog, a place where I can talk all I want and it is probably my only hope of being able to get my thoughts across to someone who needs to know 'em. If you get what I mean.

Haven't been talking to people much these 2 days... I feel as though I do not wish to talk to anyone in fear of losing myself again. It's not that I'm deliberately avoiding those who care (or at least I like to think they do) but I just need some time on my own. Just like what someone said to me, I should focus on getting better first before bothering about other things.

My first step in seeking treatment begins this Friday before my Biology paper. I'm scared shitless because I don't know if I'm able to talk with explicit details while explaining things to someone I barely know. But hey, you got to do what you got to do stay alive man

Prior to my previous post: I shouldn't be selfish and hope for her to wait for me right?

Prior to my previous, previous post: I already said she deserves genuine happiness and I hope for her to move on from this so I should just pray for her to be able to eliminate the fear right? Instead of hoping for something which is near impossible

Sorry, chicken rendang mom cooked for dinner is getting me head all mixed up

I didn't make good of my words to her when things were still within my control but I promise, I will this time round. I will get help and I will change.

I hope her love for me is strong enough for her to wait for me and eliminate the fear I inflicted in her.

It's 2:09am and I still can't sleep.

The guilt I feel is really beyond me and beyond comprehension. I have to make good of my words to _'s mom because if she didn't actually cut a deal with me, I'd be facing juvenile charges. _'s mom mentioned something along the lines of how when I liked her, I could control my anger. I'm sorry but she stands corrected because I love her which is why I controlled my anger. I know what I did wasn't something of a small matter but that violent outbreak happened because... for reasons I've yet to figure out myself. I really won't know till I start receiving help.

I'm keeping my distance too because I love her and she has every right to forget me and move on from this. She has to, she deserves some proper happiness. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty from saying all these but these are my genuine thoughts as much as I want her to wait for me to get better.

Story of my life

Be the change you want to see

I still can't believe what I did last night. It feels as though whatever happened last night involving me wasn't me. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I've never been like that before and I've never imagined myself getting so violent.

Had a phone conversation with Dulcie even though she was suppose to be out having fun with her friends. I've never had such a heartfelt conversation with my sister before. It was heartbreaking hearing the disappointment in her voice. It hit me x100, 000, 000 more knowing that it was because of what I did which made her so upset and disappointed.

Hearing what _'s mom had to say was equally heartbreaking too. How did I ended up doing what I did. Why did I acted on such an impulse. How did I even get the strength and cruelty to do such a beastly act. It was as though I was almost inhumane.

It felt terrible hearing what Dulcie had to say & what _'s mom had to say. It still feels terrible. This guilt can never be erased from the depths of my memory and conscience.

Dulcie told me to take care of myself before I can do anything else. Yeah, I should take care of myself before I can do anything else. I know what I should do first and it's going to be hard but I have to do this before I actually turn into a monster permanently. It's hard for me to talk to someone I barely know about this whole episode but I need to know what lead to this violent outbreak. I have to do this and I will do it. I can't afford to hurt anyone else whom I love, you know?

To you: There's a chance you might not see this but there's always a chance you might so I'm hoping you will. My apology is worth nothing because of what I put/ I'm putting you through. I'm not seeking for forgiveness from you. What I did was good enough to destroy's someone emotionally. I shouldn't have let that moment of fury controlled me. No amount of explanation can account for what I did. I just hope that you'll be able to forget about me, what I did and move on with your life. I'll make good of my words to keep away from you.

What I'm going to say next is full of irony but I'm going to say it anyway. I'll pray for you to get over this 'cause you don't deserve the pain I inflicted on you. I deserve hell for this doing to you especially after knowing you well enough to know that you're emotionally vulnerable. Sorry I suck so bad.

Whatever it is, I'll get help in order to get to the bottom of my own issues. I will get better and maybe just maybe, we'd have another chance at love again as bloody impossible as it sounds.

x