It is 0150h on a Friday morning and I’m listening to Arcade Fire and The Cure. Life’s been pretty much the same old, same old for the past few weeks. On a lighter note, managed to catch up with an old friend after what seemed like a really long time of not talking to each other. It felt good finally meeting an old friend and talking like old times. It feels as though we never actually left each other’s lives.
Now that I’m not working due to all the decision making I’ve to do, it seems as though there are so many things that I want to get done before I start on something official that’s going to pave my future... Definitely not going to make a list because to-do lists are really very useless for someone like me; a person who doesn’t adhere to a piece of paper with tasks scribbled all over. Really am just going to do things at my own pace for now... and just try to soak in as much as life has to offer for now. Sounds like a legit plan, Shari Shimmen.
Things has been pretty rough when it comes to the ‘rents decision about me going into prep school for law but hey, life gets really unfair at certain point and I’m trying my best to be as understanding as possible when it comes to their reasons... Which I really don’t think is valid but as long as I don’t have $10,000++, I don’t think I’m in the right position to be all bitchy about this. I still love the ‘rents all the same and I’m pretty damn sure I’ll still get to be wherever I want to be as long as my heart is still set on it.
On a different note, for the past few months I’ve been trying so hard to feel anything from being sad to being hurt and angry but it’s been pretty damn hard. I won’t deny that I was/ am happy with how my life played out with all the amazing people that I’ve met and I was really contented with that but I’ve always had that annoying feeling in me; Which I never figured what exactly was it until recently. It was fucking annoying, really damn fucking annoying not being to get angry at things or the shit people threw at me or feel sad for something which deserves some emotions. I guess when they say “Every time someone you love goes away, they take a part of you with them” is pretty darn true to start off with.... and it was only when I finally managed to catch up with a certain individual was I able to start feeling emotions I thought I was indifferent towards. It feels good, it honestly does.
As great as things are right now and as much as I’m loving how things are falling into their places at this point of time, I’m trying my best to not get my hopes up high and keeping my expectations on an all- time low. Whatever happens, I’m pretty convinced myself that what I feel towards that certain individual is pretty stable on its own and I don’t have to receive anything in return from her because being by her side even as a friend would be good enough. I’m just really happy and grateful with how things are between us now and whatever it is, I promise to walk through this with her slowly but steadily. After all that we’ve been through in the past few months and for my eyes + heart to still be set on her, I hope it’d be enough to let her know that my love for her wouldn’t crumble so easily.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you all along”
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