I love you. I've always loved you

Burning in the skies

October is proving to be a very difficult month for me. It's been barely a week and so many things has happened. September did not end on a very good note either besides a pretty wonderful graduation ceremony.

I don't know if I've done whatever I could to salvage my relationship with Bonnie but it seems like she's really bent on leaving this time round. I'm trying my best to understand that she has her own difficulties because of the way she feels right now and think of herself as. Even though it is hard to pull through with the whole no texting her/ being completely out of her life, I know I've to be strong about it because I've O-levels to give my all towards for the next month or two.

I can't even start on blaming her on what has happened because I'd rather think of this break up as my own fault. Nothing good ever stays with me. I've always believed in that, I don't know why though. They always say it's easier to blame the other party and move on but I however, don't believe in that. As much as I would like to believe that I'll be able to get through this and that this is for the better, deep down a part of me is still fighting for us to pull through together. As stupid and naive this may sound to people, I really do believe what Bonnie and I had going on was real. The shit we've been through together made us better people for ourselves and for each other. She may think that she can't give me an ideal future but she has already given me so much for me to know that we'd have a future together. It may not be an "ideal" future but it is a future together. I just wished I had given her more for her to believe in that but it's too late for regrets when she's already out the door.

With reference to LP's lyrics to Burning In The Skies: Don't apologize, I'm losing what I don't deserve; Maybe I don't deserve her after all... It's going to be hard to accept this and even harder to see her moving on to someone else but what can a loser like me do, haha. Even after saying all these, I'm still hoping and praying with all my might.

P/S don't remind me of how pathetic I sound, lol

Angels on the moon

A really quick post before I head to bed...

A penny for my thoughts: I've been thinking about the shitty things I did and said to the people around me like my parents/ friends/ the people I dated and it hit me so hard how disgusting and cruel I was to have done all those things. I feel so ashamed and gross out by myself thinking of what I did.

Like what they always say, what is done is done. All I'm hoping for is God's grace and forgiveness to help me be a better person for myself and for the ones I love. The guilt of things I did kills me every single time but all I can do is pray and repent.

I'm sorry God, I'm sorry mom and dad, I'm sorry to all those people I've been nasty towards. Please forgive me.

She's the one

This week seems to be heading in the correct direction... Which is bloody great! There's so much for me to catch up on in school now in terms of homework/ assignments because the pile of shit homework I have waiting for me is seriously no joke. It feels great being back in school but I find it pretty wasteful because I'm only looking forward to Bio/ Chem, English and Math lessons. These are the subjects that I still need to do revision with the teachers' help but other than these lessons, school is really dry and boring. I've never taken doing an English Comprehension seriously but now... with O-levels approaching fast, I shouldn't be complacent about that subject anymore because I really want to secure my A1 for it.

The week has also been good because I managed to meet Bonnie and also Jo on Tuesday! It was a good day because it's been long since I sat on Robertson Bridge to chill and I'm glad that I managed to do it with Bonnie because it's a really nice, charming place; with an exception of Friday, Saturday and PH nights because it's a mad house on those nights. Met Bonnie after school today too. Bought lunch back to her place and spent time with her.. Still smiling to myself when I think about it, haha.

Things have been so bloody crazy between Bonnie and I but I'm glad that we're making it through right now. She drives me insane in so many ways but at the end of the day, she's the only one my heart yearns for. She gives me mad cows in my stomach but I can never get sick of that feeling because every single day, I'm falling in love with her all over again. I'm not going to give up on her should anything happen between us again because she's still here with me even after all the hellish shit I put her through.

She's the one

Where do I go from here.... I feel as good as dead. I wish I could just remove the memory card in my head & insert a new one... But I can't. Someone teach me how to give up on this.