"I'll never leave you again"

Is it really time for me to let go? Is it only fair for me to let her go since I wasn't honest with her about how I felt yesterday? Is it only right that I let her go since she isn't happy being with me anymore?

There are so many fears and questions running through my head right now... I don't even know where to begin anymore. I bloody hell regretted not being honest with her when she asked me if I was upset but... I was just hoping for her to stop me from leaving her place but no, I fucking screwed everything up with what I did and said. Yan and Irah finally came to see me yesterday, for no bloody reason. Trashed things out, I felt better. Yan talked to me about moving on and stuff like that. I don't know how am I suppose to do that because I know I'll just keep looking for that Bonnie element in that person... And that sucks because I'll never be able to find another person like her.

"I like being in your arms, it's warm" -This right here made me felt so much love when she said it to me while we were watching tele... It still makes me smile when I play back scenes of us together in my head. I don't know when will I ever be able to get over this and get back on track with life... I just feel so weak and vulnerable. I can't focus, I can't eat and all I can do is smoke. I feel like such a loser. I honestly do. I should have just gone all out and made the best of things when I still had the chance too. I'm so afraid of living life without her... Knowing that she's stronger than I ever was and she's able to go on without us in her life.

Whatever it is, I know I'll always be waiting for her as painful as it is with her completely ignoring me and cutting me out from her life. But what else is there for me to do? I still feel as though there is unfinished business between us because I really do /am trying to make things better for us, for her. She's a gem... She really is but she doesn't believe anything I say anymore. I only have myself to blame for that and self pity to comfort myself with.

I love you, Bonnie. If you ever see this, please know that I'm always here waiting for you. To be safe in your arms again.

What gives me hope

It's 1:33am and I'm still not sleeping. Mainly because I can't sleep and also because I don't have to go to school for the next one week due to chickenpox. Thank God! But this one week only means I've to do a lot of self-studying at home. 43 more days to my next O-level paper and also the start to the rest of my other papers. I'm going to burn out on these days and stay focus on the game. I know I can. Need to push myself harder though because this past week has been miserable because I could barely do any studying due to the itching, pain, aches and fever :/ Terrible pox.

So anyway, I logged on to my formspring a few minutes ago and the question that is being administered by formspring today is: What makes you feel hopeful? Well, my answer there was something vague and here I go... going to talk about the things that makes me feel hopeful... yeah.

There are many things which makes me feel hopeful. First of all, it is the love my mom(step mom to be precise) has for the family. I'd admit at times I just feel like ripping her guts out for pissing me off but I can't deny that she has taught me a lot about the things I should know in Life. When my dad married her with Dulcie and I in tow, we were almost like non existent citizens with no health booklets etc. She was the one who brought my sister and I to get our vaccinations done, got our citizenship done, brought us to the clinic when we were ill, got my dad to stop drinking & smoking, calmed my dad's behavior and so much more. She didn't give up on my dad + this family even when things were so shitty and too hurtful for her to bear. Even when she said she has given up, she still remained hopeful that things would work out for her and my dad. She's more of a mother to me than my own mom who was never fucking there because all she cares about is her American life. All the things she's done and her love gives me tremendous hope because it tells me that the going is never easy for anyone but it is always important to have faith + love.

Secondly, the love that Bonnie has for our relationship gives me hope. As cliche as all these may sound, she is like my mom. As shitty and messed up I am, she hasn't given up on me and she's still willing to work at this with me.. Besides my parents, she's the only person who hasn't given up on me even after I put her through hell on Earth. Another about her that gives me hope is that she has changed me in so many ways that so many people tried to do so but failed. I thought I was a hopeless case, never going to mend my disgusting behavior but nope, she proved me wrong.

These 2 are the ladies of my life and I love 'em very much. Honestly don't know what I would do without 'em.

This one's for you Mom, love you
Another thing I love about 'em is that they both get along very well with each other, HEE :B

Pox

Having chicken pox is really no joke at all. There are ugly, monstrous blisters planted on my face and body. I was so upset by the condition of my pox but reading her texts while she tried to lighten my mood and make me feel better really helped.

I really hope that we would be able to work things out because I'm really trying my best to put my own emotions aside and work at this together with her. There really isn't anything I wouldn't do to make things right again. I still believe we are meant to be because no one holds on for as long as we did when things were so shitty.

I know we can have a better future together, still.

I still remember this text which she sent when I fell asleep on her:

"I fell in love with your courage, your sincerity, your flaming self- respect and it's these things I'd believe in, even if the whole world indulged wild suspicions that you aren't how all you should be. I love you and it is the beginning of everything"
P/S: I love it when your face is so close to mine that I can feel your long eyelashes quivering against my skin, triggering a burst of velvet tenderness in my heart

Never going to leave this bed

No I'm not going to give up on us because our love is going to move mountains

Truth is, I can't stay out, I can never do that.