Sorry for the constant posting on my page but hey... It's my blog, a place where I can talk all I want and it is probably my only hope of being able to get my thoughts across to someone who needs to know 'em. If you get what I mean.

Haven't been talking to people much these 2 days... I feel as though I do not wish to talk to anyone in fear of losing myself again. It's not that I'm deliberately avoiding those who care (or at least I like to think they do) but I just need some time on my own. Just like what someone said to me, I should focus on getting better first before bothering about other things.

My first step in seeking treatment begins this Friday before my Biology paper. I'm scared shitless because I don't know if I'm able to talk with explicit details while explaining things to someone I barely know. But hey, you got to do what you got to do stay alive man

Prior to my previous post: I shouldn't be selfish and hope for her to wait for me right?

Prior to my previous, previous post: I already said she deserves genuine happiness and I hope for her to move on from this so I should just pray for her to be able to eliminate the fear right? Instead of hoping for something which is near impossible

Sorry, chicken rendang mom cooked for dinner is getting me head all mixed up

I didn't make good of my words to her when things were still within my control but I promise, I will this time round. I will get help and I will change.

I hope her love for me is strong enough for her to wait for me and eliminate the fear I inflicted in her.

It's 2:09am and I still can't sleep.

The guilt I feel is really beyond me and beyond comprehension. I have to make good of my words to _'s mom because if she didn't actually cut a deal with me, I'd be facing juvenile charges. _'s mom mentioned something along the lines of how when I liked her, I could control my anger. I'm sorry but she stands corrected because I love her which is why I controlled my anger. I know what I did wasn't something of a small matter but that violent outbreak happened because... for reasons I've yet to figure out myself. I really won't know till I start receiving help.

I'm keeping my distance too because I love her and she has every right to forget me and move on from this. She has to, she deserves some proper happiness. I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty from saying all these but these are my genuine thoughts as much as I want her to wait for me to get better.

Story of my life

Be the change you want to see

I still can't believe what I did last night. It feels as though whatever happened last night involving me wasn't me. I don't know what possessed me to do what I did. I've never been like that before and I've never imagined myself getting so violent.

Had a phone conversation with Dulcie even though she was suppose to be out having fun with her friends. I've never had such a heartfelt conversation with my sister before. It was heartbreaking hearing the disappointment in her voice. It hit me x100, 000, 000 more knowing that it was because of what I did which made her so upset and disappointed.

Hearing what _'s mom had to say was equally heartbreaking too. How did I ended up doing what I did. Why did I acted on such an impulse. How did I even get the strength and cruelty to do such a beastly act. It was as though I was almost inhumane.

It felt terrible hearing what Dulcie had to say & what _'s mom had to say. It still feels terrible. This guilt can never be erased from the depths of my memory and conscience.

Dulcie told me to take care of myself before I can do anything else. Yeah, I should take care of myself before I can do anything else. I know what I should do first and it's going to be hard but I have to do this before I actually turn into a monster permanently. It's hard for me to talk to someone I barely know about this whole episode but I need to know what lead to this violent outbreak. I have to do this and I will do it. I can't afford to hurt anyone else whom I love, you know?

To you: There's a chance you might not see this but there's always a chance you might so I'm hoping you will. My apology is worth nothing because of what I put/ I'm putting you through. I'm not seeking for forgiveness from you. What I did was good enough to destroy's someone emotionally. I shouldn't have let that moment of fury controlled me. No amount of explanation can account for what I did. I just hope that you'll be able to forget about me, what I did and move on with your life. I'll make good of my words to keep away from you.

What I'm going to say next is full of irony but I'm going to say it anyway. I'll pray for you to get over this 'cause you don't deserve the pain I inflicted on you. I deserve hell for this doing to you especially after knowing you well enough to know that you're emotionally vulnerable. Sorry I suck so bad.

Whatever it is, I'll get help in order to get to the bottom of my own issues. I will get better and maybe just maybe, we'd have another chance at love again as bloody impossible as it sounds.

x