13/ 02/ 14

I am fighting the urge to write a story.
How you look at light bokeh and have the biggest smile on your face as though you just won the entire universe.
How your smart mouth always says the most piercing things to hear but also the most comforting words on a shitty day.

I am fighting the urge to write a story.
About the songs I am listening to and how they seem to bring me back to a certain place and time.
About the way you fall asleep at night, how your hand jerks the moment you fall into a deep slumber.

I am fighting the urge to write a story.
But I can't seem to string the words neither can I phantom the electric rush you have given me.

Violet and Daisy

Aye, spending my Saturday afternoon with no after a night partying feels with a playlist of post punk + alternatives gods. And of course, a huge ass mug of iced red date. What an aunty drink...... but I likes. Finally getting my cracked ass iPhone which behaves as though it is on crack replaced later on. Don't know if I should get a temporary replacement and wait for the rumoured iPhone 5S coming out in 10 days (?) or just get the iPhone 5 (I had one at the start of the year but lost it within 1 week....) Hmm.

A little snippet from 2 weeks back: ROJAK! 2013 at Wavehouse, Sentosa with everyone's favourite disc jockey spinning, SPECIAL K.

Had a pretty nice evening after work yesterday with the girls + Jomanda. The concoction of Starbuck's Iced Chocolate, Kith's Aglio Olio (WITH BACON) and somebody's heart shaped Corn bread muffins did not go along well even though I had them all at 3 separate timings.
Caught the movie, Violet and Daisy with Jomanda after the girls left for home! I would never want to make any decisions which concerns Jo after last night.... God damn it, this woman is so annoying. That is 'annoying' with a sad, sad, sad tone.
The movie was such a tragically sweet movie. Yes, 2 teenage, quirky, female assassins. Did I mention they are pretty too? Mmm. I'd recommend this movie to anyone who wants a change from this summer's blockbusters.

The last time before Violet and Daisy I watched a show, it was The Conjuring. A brainless movie which makes you lose sleep and nothing else. Call me emotionally deranged but I absolutely love movies which sort of gives me something to think about. Movies which you can actually decipher hidden messages/ meanings or whatever.

The movie + pre dawn conversation with Jo + seeing the girls was a nice start to this very quiet, quiet weekend for me

And relating my emotions and thoughts to my favourite movies. What a sad and pathetic slob I am indeed, haha

i must be emo

we laid next to each other, skin to skin with my arms wrapped around you on a dark February morning. nothing about the disagreement we had the night before about what we were watching on tele. nothing about how your eyes swelled up with sadness when I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. all the afflictions we've experienced, gone. just me falling more and more in love with you as we laid there, listening to each other's breathing.

never recalled being in such an oasis of serenity besides whenever i am next to you. doesn't matter if it was that particular February morning or a afternoon spent at your place watching sitcoms. up till now, not a day goes by without me recalling how these precious moments with you bared face, no fashionable clothes or combed hair magnifies your beauty and i try so hard to picture how it felt like to stroke your hair telling you how much I loved you

27

I can't find the right words to phantom how I've been feeling the past 24 hours. The mere thought of something which was said or happened sends electrifying waves through my veins. It was something which feels so new and different, yet it felt like something so familiar.

2:27 pm

After how things had played out before, I don't feel any more sadness or loss. What we shared has been embedded in my soul. There is no sense of loss because I'd carry a part of you with me everywhere I go. 

Awakening thoughts

We have been through the craziest things, said the harshest things to each other and more importantly, we loved one another in a way which we could never imagine loving someone else the same way. We both have flaws that'd be the death of us whenever we are together but flaws do not just go away in a matter of days, weeks, months.

We both agreed on working on those issues and we both knew what we were getting into. It will not be a smooth sailing journey because every relationship matures at its own pace, I suppose? Unless the relationship is meant to be in the dumpster then that would be different. Obviously, not ours because if it was, we would not be this miserable over the situation we are in.

People may judge, give their opinions and be critical of our relationship but that does not mean we are 'bad for each other' right? - what does being bad for each other means? Are we going to end up eating each other's toes and fingers....? There are days you want to kill me for the way I am and there are days I wished you would just stop being so.... You but does it really mean we are bad for each other?

I am full of flaws and I have hurt you once too many times before but I have never stopped feeling the way I did since day 1. I cannot make things better within a short period of time and I KNOW WE HAD ALMOST 3 YEARS TO WORK ON THIS but a relationship is a growing process. We cannot possibly compare ours to someone else's and how we roll makes our relationship, our relationship. 

It has been almost 3 years and if running away, isolating ourselves from one another is the key solution to this, it would have succeeded the first time it happened. Not only that, if what we shared is meant to be in the pit, the mutual feeling of our love growing stronger and more with every passing day would be non existent.

Alas, if this 'right decision' you are making is truly going to be a decision to satisfy you in the long run then I'd be glad for you. I will not even view it as a decision because you never had to choose in the first place. 

2013

New commitments. Heavier responsibilities. Different perspectives. Changed mindsets.

Thoughtsss

"While I was taking a shower; 

I was washing my face and when my face was closed up to the huge ass mirror, I saw my tear ducts while rubbing my eyes. Immediate memories which flooded my thoughts was that one time I came over to your place so excitedly in the morning, wanting to tell you about how weird my eyes were because I never knew there was a hole at the edge of my eyes.

When I told you about it, you just lied on your bed, gave me the bitchiest look and then laughed so hard. "

Unexpected thoughts greeting me during my Monday shower. Wrote it down here since I do not have my black book here with me in K.L. Meh 

Have a good PH, everyone! 

31st November 2012

Spent the day in a foul mood no thanks to a certain individual whom I would slap the silly out of but I shall not out of respect and love. No kid. It was such a small and beyond stupid reason for that person to lash out and it was the fucking epitome of making a mountain out of a molehill. Fucking disappointment but whatever, feeling so much better after a good nap. 

Looking forward to plans made this coming November + work + school! Another 2 more months and it is 2013..... Lets see, did I manage to cross anything out from my 2012's resolution list? Haha. 

This is slightly late but thanks to everyone who made my birthday a really great one to remember. 

and R.I.P to my late step-father, Al. x

For what is worth

For what is worth:

Nothing is as beautiful as watching the sunlight shine through your hair with your smile plastered across your face.
Nothing sounds as good as hearing you laugh or hearing you sing way-way-way-way off tune.
Nothing is as adorable as you clapping and squealing like a baby seal.
Nothing feels as good as our fingers interlocking at random times.
Nothing would make me feel as comfortable as having your head rest on my shoulder.
Nothing can be compared to nights spent with you, walking, talking, smoking like as if we didn't have a care in the world.

More importantly, nothing makes me feel happy like how you do.

Bird days

This post is going out to the dearest and best(est) friends in the world for me.

16 July 2012: Rebecca Rose Morais

Prom Night November 2011

You have always been the lady among Soldiers and the motherly figure besides Jasmine. Thanks for the great party you threw for your birthday. I had a really great time + I am sure the rest of us there did too! Partying at Helipad for that weekend was great too despite the hiccups we had earlier on in the night. I have known you for 6 years now. From the girl who was from Marymount Convent and disturbing you during Malay Language class, the rest of the bungs and me checking you out in sec 2 because you started to look REALLY different physically (HAHAHAHAHAH, Shiv please do not kill me) and then came sec 3 when you became my classmate for the rest of our years in IJ. I am really glad that you and the rest of Soldiers became my group of friends in school + in class. Doing retarded things in school, sharing every day life with you + the girls, going through 2 major exams together, you giving me pretty much the only sane advises I can get from Soldiers and a lot of other things. You are one hell of a heels lover and gee woman, you are so bloody passionate about them. Well, you are finally 18 and you can do all the partying that you enjoy. You are a really, really, really great friend to have around and I am so thankful to God that I have you as my friend + the rest of the girls. Even though you are in Poly now, I know for sure, no friends you meet there is going to be as great as soldiers. :-)

P.S/ You and Shivvy boy make one hell of a great couple. Seeing you 2 together really gives me hopes that relationships are not always bullshit. Love you babe, xxx

12th August 2012: Princess Diana Michael Tan

Early 2010 when your hair was still black 

Where do I start? First of all, this is an apology for the major cock up we had right before your birthday but I am glad that was done and over with. Thanks for putting it aside and still allowed me to celebrate your birthday with you. I am pretty sure you had fun finishing a whole bottle of 750ml vodka by yourself. You have always been an older sister for me, looking out for me when we were in school and taking care of me even after you/ we left IJ. There is never a day (or more like night) which was boring and somehow, we always come up with the craziest things to do to entertain ourselves when we are out. After countless pints and cans of beer, packs of cigarettes, bottles of liquor, nights in the club/ bar/ pub, nights lepaking at each other's places, stupid irrational fights, I am glad that I still have you as my god sister. It is nice to know that I have you + your family to call my own and you likewise, have my family to call your own. It is really amazing how my mother trusts you more than she trusts me and my sisters listens to you and not me -_- You are in China now for your competition so ALL THE BEST babe!!!!! Show 'em what Diana P is all about. Here is to more nights lepaking + getting smashed + fantasizing about our future. Love you, always PUTPUT. Tee hee hee

24th August 2012: Yan Aindreas aka Nurul Ain Bte Talib

December 2011: WHOLE HOUSE TO OURSELVES FOR 1 WEEK

You bloody wanker. You are the left boob and I am the right boob. You are my bra and one of my bestest friends. I have had some of the best holiday periods with you. Dated girls and coming up with retarded analogies with regards to the situation we were in. Getting my first underage smoking screening with you :P HAHAHAHA. Spending our days at my mother's bakery, you staying at my place for such long periods of time, never failing to confide in each other about every single girl we were dating, Seletaris/ North Oaks with our (then) favourite girls, going for midnight runs..... HAIYAH BRA, why must you be so old and grown up now??? We need to have sleepovers again. WE NEED TO STAY UP TILL 8AM JUST TO GO FOR MORNING WALKS, LAUGH AT PEOPLE'S TWEETS AND EAT SUPPER. You are going through a really rough patch now emotionally but I really do hope you'd pick yourself up soon. Remember how both of us went through this with all the girls we dated before? Yes, Bonnie and I-rah were girls we loved so much but hey, remember what you told me when B and I ended things? Yes you do, do not fucking deny it. The same goes for you, bra. Someday, we are going to have a conversation about how silly this emotional rah rah is, don't we always do that??? No matter what happens, I will always have your back. Two of us together, we are like a couple, HEE HEE HEE. Happy 20th Birthday, bra kesayangan gua.

24th September 2012: Siti Mariam Alias

Batam in June(?) 2011 (Side note: Wtf, look at how fat I was)

My moron and best friend, you are the first friend I made in IJ. Despite us being TORN APART in sec 3 and then after you left IJ, you are like the most annoying bitch of a friend I have and I fucking love you for that. How you tolerate all of my whinning about stupid girls and how we can just throw a bitch fit at each other but just laugh at each other for it. I will never forget how we fought and you poured iced lemon tea all over me :-) You are such a good friend la, serious. HAHAHA. I am thankful for the fact that our friendship is so strong that we always have each other no matter how long it has been since we last spoke. How mama rock is always so welcoming and warm. Sigh pie, I miss spending every single fucking weekday with you :-( I am sorry I could not make it for USS day but hey!!!! My birthday is coming up so we should have dinner soon yeah? Though it was awkward at your place with your friends from college being there but hey!!! I GOT TO ACCEPT THAT OTHER PEOPLE WOULD WANT TO BEFRIEND MY MORON RIGHT, HAHAHAHAHAH. I fucking love you, okay remember that and you can always count on me even though half of the time I wouldn't even make things better for you. Our love is unspoken love but it's a great one. Happy fucking legal, moron.

27th September 2012: Illya, the girl who shot her zombie

Prom Night November 2011

Our friendship developed in an odd way...... but I am glad it did. It so nice to have one of my best friends staying near me UNLIKE THE REST, hahaha. So much has happened in our lives ever since we got close and I am glad I had you around when I was an emotional wreck. Lepaking is always our main activity whenever we meet, meeting just to smoke in Sembawang. You are like a stone thrown against my head whenever I confide in you because you never sugar coat your words. You are fucking direct and blunt but I fucking love that about you. I hope you enjoyed the cake + your favourite Milo earlier on. PLEASE KEEP MY LETTER PROPERLY YA. I love being emotional wrecks with you whenever we are both down and out and hey whenever that happens, you will always have me to be gila with you ya??? You can finally buy cigarettes from the 7-11 downstairs, hekhekhek. Please, gloat in all the glory of being legal before me through out the upcoming week yeah?? Have fun clubbing legally tomorrow and please get fucking smashed. Run naked on the streets outside Zouk with Thipa. Pretty please. Love you, indian wannabe

Six degrees of seperation

Whatever it was that we had between us was great while it lasted and now that it is over, it will always be a part of me. 

Not because I still yearn for you to be next to me but simply because whatever we shared has taught me how to be a better person for myself and it has lead me to the path of self discovery and being myself. 

For all of that, I cannot thank you enough and I certainly do wish for you nothing but all the greatness life has to offer you and I do hope that everything is going well for you now. 

Till then, 

"It can only get worse before it gets better" right? 

x

Believe

Ease those cringes on your face. Take a deep, deep breath in. Breath out. Tell yourself everything is going to be okay and all would work out in your favour. Take a leap of faith. Pray for all the things you care for and love. Remember to say thanks for all the blessings you have received and the obstacles you have overcome. Tell yourself never give up on yourself or your dreams. 

Promise yourself you will not let yourself and your aspirations down because I will not give up on you or your dreams. Whatever comes your way, you know I will always be here for you to fall back on. 

I do believe in you. 

20 seconds

“Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery and I promise you, something great will come of it.”


I was in serious contemplation to do something earlier on and I very well know the consequences that might come out of it if I were to do it, but after attempts to get the 20 seconds of insane courage, I just backed out. Simply because for the past 3 months, nothing much has played out in my favour and I just told myself, "hey you know what Shari, maybe you should just forget about doing something which might put your future at risk and just get on with whatever you were doing before pondering about this."


Talked to a friend about this earlier on in the evening and he said "If you are going to do this now, you will know what would come out of doing this but by not doing so, you are just going to live the rest of your life, thinking of what could have been instead of knowing what could have been. Live with the knowledge of knowing what happened, not regrets" and of course followed by the norms of having a conversation with your close friend's ex boyfriend. Well, pretty obviously I do not want to be living with the regrets of not executing this action and for losing the insane courage to do it but one day, surely I know I'd do it. Maybe it is when I do not give it second thoughts at all and just do it without even stopping for a second to ponder and maybe it 'd happen when I am least expecting myself to do so. Like a moment of folly or in the words of We Bought A Zoo, literally 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. 


Perhaps now is not the right time. Or maybe there will never be a right time. Just 20 seconds of me being so damn full of courage, yes. 


and my bad if this post sounds pretty much repetitive 

There is a light that never goes out

This week has probably been one of the most eventful week I will have in a very, very long time. 
I must extend my thanks and apologies to @yanaindreas and @NeonRetroNipz & her mom for troubling them because of the state my health is in. Also to Sashé for constantly responding to my almost stupid medical queries. 
So, so, so grateful for the fact that Yan was there to bring me to the hospital or I promise I could have just died. As usual, me being the stubborn prick that I am, I bullshitted my way out of getting admitted. Hey, come on all those momoks and God knows what else that would be lurking around the wards at night... No thanks. 
I think the most shitty part of how the whole situation is right now was seeing how worried soldiers were when I told them about it but I really do hope that they'd stop worrying because I am Shari Shimmen and nothing gets to me. ;-) 
Despite how 'fantastic' I feel, I refuse to just stay at home and rot. There is nothing for me to do at all besides reading a book... So I have decided to go back for classes and work in the upcoming week + it is also going to be filled with appointments. Omgahh. 
Oh yes, met up with Stacey, Shan and Naqs for a quick round of beer at Harry's last night. Stacey is all grown up from since she left for Canada. It was definitely good seeing the three of them and telling them about the Rachel, tee hee hee. 
Left to meet the girls at Singapore Flyer after for some ice cream. I am telling you readers now, that ice cream outlet is going to be my most visited ice cream parlor from now on wards, ha ha ha... 
It was so good seeing soldiers full attendance last night because it has been long since all of us were present at one time while meeting up. Nothing beats friends like them. Ever. 
The rest of the night is..... beyond indescribable. #honestyhour


Oh yes and at the wee hours of the morning, the cabbie almost banged into another cab. Could have sworn I saw the light. 


x

Hold me down sweet love, I'll carry you home

One of the bestest friend anyone could ever have. Amazing girl 

30th June 2012: An amazing evening for the LGBT community in Singapore + around the region. It was the very first Pink Dot held at night and it attracted a record breaking 15, 000 over people. 

Despite the weather being pretty humid and all that, it was still pretty much a night to remember 'cause I think we are damn lucky to have such a brave group of people stepping up to be the voices of the LGBT community in Singapore. 

Bumped into quite a number of people. It was good, good seeing familiar faces there and even the straight ones! Met Sashé before that to grab *$ and my goodness, it was life saving. Caught up with @cforserious for a bit. It was good, good even though that girl dressed in a way that it seems more appropriate for her to be at one of the lanes in Geylang. #badjoke ya


Headed for dinner after with @lourdecris, @shannnnn, @erasethisgirl, @offtheblue, Vernice(I don't know how to spell her name), Sashé and Sashé's friend, Mel Chia. Had such a fantastic time laughing at someone's middle name but after that, @lourdecris just had to start poking fun at my name. Not cool at all 


It was Bay Beats 2012 after that and in my utmost honest opinion, all the matreps and people in the same radar as them were all dressed so similarly. Excuse me for being blunt but a formal shirt, tailored pants and pointed toes for a gig? You've got to be shitting me, brothers. 


Met Khai and his friends after at Clarke Quay + it was retarded beyond words and I honestly have nothing to say about my time spent from then till 6am. 


Despite my Saturday not going according to how I initially wanted it to, it was nonetheless, a pretty good night + had some good people for company. 


Caught The Amazing Spiderman, had my favourite sugarcane drink + bought a book (Life and Death in Shanghai) with my family on Sunday. Love spending time with them even though they get on my nerves half of the time. With the exception of mom. I love you, mommy. xxx 


x 
Here's to an awesome week for you and I. 

There is a major lack of photos for this post simply because I am too lazy to upload photos from my mobile and these are all taken off Facebook

It will never be

"Why do you still love me after how I left you alone all these while?"


"Because I knew from the day I laid my eyes on you, I was going to love you for the rest of my life. Even though it was painful and crazy seeing you with someone else, I was just fine loving you on the sidelines. My love for you has grown to a point where as long as I am happy loving you, it did not matter much whether you were mine or someone else's. And I always knew from the time you left me, it was never over between us and it will never be"

I'll put one foot right in front of the other, I don't need another new love

2 important final exams for 2 modules this weekend. Work tonight. A bunch of laundry I have to do today from my dive trip to Tioman. 5 hours to get my laundry done + going through what I have studied for a module + get ready for work and here I am writing. Wow


I have got a bunch of photos from the 2 highlights for the month of June. Midnight kite flying + Tioman dive trip. 

Kite flying past midnight with the homiez + Wynona! Sort of in lieu with the chinese celery's birthday. Happy 19th birthday, Cerelia Chinese Celery Kew. Good, good night out even though the cab fare was a definitely killer. 

My diving buddy, Wynona

Charlie, the resident puffer fish for Tioman Reef Divers

Lion Fish

School of fishes

Lack of sleep + dying from dehydration

Dad's favourite thing to do besides diving

Dearest mom + Wynona

Abang, Along, family + Uncle Lee's family

I just had to put this up because mom's caption for this photo is: Still can't make out. HAHAHAHA

Beauty

Daddy + Liyana

School of fishes #02

Clown Fish!

Wynona and I under the sea

Had a good time diving at Tioman. Met many interesting people there. Witnessed a group of chinese Singaporean girls flirting with a really old German guy. Drank every night I was there simply because the alcohol there is ridiculously cheap + the cigarettes too and it is always better to have a nice, long chat over a bottle of beer. Went to play snooker with Abang + Along + Clarissa and pretty obviously, Clarissa and I both sucked at it. Played ping pong at 3am too. Which I sucked at too. Had meals cooked by mom which was a bonus because I'd prefer mom's cooking anytime over outside food.


Highlights of the trip: Spending time with my family, passing my diving exams even though I stayed up late the night before to drink, play snooker, play ping pong and had supper + I did not study at all. Sounds conceited but hey, I am proud of myself. 

Closing this chapter

I'm quite pissed off with blogger because my post which was reverted back into drafts was deleted. Like the whole entire content of my damned post. A post which I poured my heart out into. Balls and I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours trying to rewrite the post with the exact same emotions that I had writing that at 2 in the morning but.... I didn't manage to deliver my words the way it is suppose to be like last night/ this morning. 

As shitty as I feel because I wanted so badly to re-publish that post for that particular someone to be able to READ what's going through my mind, I guess it's a sign to show me that as shitty and miserable I was feeling last night, I guess it doesn't really matter all that much to me now. 

It greatly annoys me when someone is able to text/ WhatsApp/ tweet to others but not reply me. Especially when someone says that she loves me. Ignoring me and degrading me is only going to piss me off even more and I will just end up bugging you even more. 

Whatever it is, I guess this break up is fair and square because you've finally got what you wanted which is me leaving you alone for good and I got what I deserve which is this heartache for having so much faith. As much as I'll always love you no matter what happens, it's time I put myself before you because nothing's going to come out of being sad over this. 

I'm sorry if you feel offended by this post. I know you've tried your best and I do believe you when you told me about your love for me but this is how I honestly feel and I hope you're able to respect it by not lashing out on me for speaking about how I feel. 

I have this amazing capability to mess things up whenever everything's going smoothly. I should really learn how to make my brain think faster than my hands or mouth just so I won't be making the stupidest mistakes I would make in my life. But ah well, too late for regrets.

She's gone.